A Questioning Faith

I grew up going to church every Sunday. I knew the words to Jesus Loves Me by heart long before I started school, was confirmed when I was twelve, attended youth group every week, and went on countless church trips and retreats. I was brought up Christian, but even during those confirmation classes during junior high, I could never fully embrace the faith … though I stood before the congregation and said I did.

It’s not that I don’t believe there’s something more than the tangible things around us. It’s just that I’ve never been able to get beyond the irreconcilable gaps I perceive in the stories of the Bible. And it’s not that I look down upon those who believe … I actually still go to church with my husband, whose Catholic faith I find comforting, more for the ritualistic nature of the Mass than the actual belief system it presents.

I sometimes wonder if that’s wrong. Am I disrespecting others’ faith by standing in the church, singing the songs, going through the motions? If I am, I don’t mean to. That tradition of church on Sunday is something that comforts me, even if I don’t feel the divine comfort of God. Or maybe I do and just don’t know it … they say that “he” works in mysterious ways.

But I think that’s the core of my inability to just believe. I don’t feel the need to personify faith. I can’t quit thinking of Jesus as a zealot, one of those crazy folks you hear about whose followers drink the Kool-Aid to show their commitment. If Jesus were here today, would anyone pay attention? Or would they avert their eyes and hurry past him as he stood prophesying on a street corner?

Instead, I prefer to see “God” in all things. The sun warming my face, the wind pulling at my hair, the grass cold and soft under my feet. In the smile of a stranger, the soulful eyes of my dogs, the touch of my husband’s hand. Even in the hard things … the difficulties of everyday life, the struggle of finding my way, the pain of losing someone I love.

Which brings me to what has been making me think about this lately. My grandfather died this past year. He’d lived more than a decade longer than his beloved wife who we were all sure he couldn’t go on without. In that time, between the first diagnosis of my grandmother’s illness and his own end, I don’t think he understood why the God he believed in so much – the one who he revered his entire life – could put him through so much pain, could keep him from being with the one person he felt completed him.

But even in my lack of belief, when he did pass on, when I stood by his casket and closed my eyes in prayer, I understood. Whether God was in control or not … it doesn’t matter. I was comforted by the rituals of the Christian faith, but – more important – by knowing that not knowing is part of being human.

So I choose to believe that my grandfather has finally joined my grandmother, is by her side for eternity. He believed in where he was going, and so it is. Whether or not the eternity he found is the definition of heaven, or is simply the commingling of their bodies as he slowly joins her in the earth doesn’t matter.

And I choose to believe that the unknown knows. Knows when the time is right, even when we don’t. When my grandfather passed, I felt grief, yes. But I also felt relief – for him in finally resting beside my grandmother, but for me, as well. Because I had found the inner peace I needed to accept, an acceptance I wouldn’t have had even a few years before … one that would have been far from reachable if he had had his wish in those early years, when his own grief consumed him.

Now, as I think of Granddaddy, I’m simply comforted. He was able to experience much in those years he didn’t necessarily want. Seeing my brother and me each get married. Great grandchildren. New friendships and rekindled old ones. And I know he was thankful for those years.

But mostly, I am comforted that his heart has found its home again. That his faith has proved him right and he is with my grandmother somewhere, relishing in her presence and her love.

Does believing in his faith change my own? I don’t think it does. But in all my unknowing, I do know this: My heart is fuller because their two spirits fill it. In the end, isn’t that faith enough?